You win some and you lose some

Tonight was not my best night. I knew I wanted to be the presenter of our group, but I let the person who did the PowerPoint dictate that she would be the presenter.

First let me start from the beginning we argued at every little thing and my bone of contention was in our statistics we needed to present a local argument than a national argument of the whole thing. I know I should have pushed the idea more but I let her dictate and I took a backseat as such I should put up with it. I am a teacher by profession and we always present in front of the class, before the parents, at conferences and the like. Tonight did not leave me in good standing I did not swell with pride at what we presented before the class. Our presentation was ripped to shreds and it is not a good feeling when you have not put your best foot forward, and tonight I did not put my best foot forward.

I am not a perfectionist but presentations are part and parcel of my career and I feel I let myself down. I am going to coin it to experience and try to move on but my heart is really heavy. I wonder whether I will be able to sleep at all. I have never felt so undone over anything at all.

It was a shame!

The Best Xmas EVER!

Well finally I will get to hold my grandbabies. Tao is almost four years and I have never held his body close to mine. I have not touched his soft baby skin not even once. I have not had the chance to look into his eyes and tell him he is my first grandbaby. However because of technology I believe I have come to know Tao as much as I could under the circumstances because I have talked to him on the phone, on Skype and I have seen him develop into a young guy right before my eyes. I have read stories to him as he sat quietly there and gave me the love I needed from him as though he instinctively knew how I felt. However nothing could have been as painful as not being able to hold my own daughter's child in my arms all the time he was growing and I was missing out on this young boy's life and experiences. This is the only time I have ever regretted not being home in Zimbabwe where I could have been able to see him on a daily basis and not separated by this pond that I need a visa for in order to cross to see my grandbabies!

Tana is a year old, she looks at me with her googly eyes and she smiles. She blows me kisses, she waves to me as we Skype together. Sometimes she even types gibberish as we chat and I wonder what she is thinking inwardly, nothing has made each experience with them none less meaningful. Sometimes she just smiles and my heart melts and I find myself trying so hard not to cry because I really want to hold this child an extension of myself in my arms. Someone should have told me that's what loving unconditionally means. I love the two of them in their unique ways and I am so happy 2011 Xmas is when I get to see my grandbabies for the first time!

I have not seen my daughter in six years! Her husband the same as well as all my nephews and nieces! Little did I know when I was making the move to study in the US that I would be sacrificing time with my family, friends, and all relatives. I am so happy that this Xmas though I will not see all my relatives but I will get to see some of them. It will be good to reconnect but I cant help but feel sorry for my children who will not be making this journey with me for I know they miss their niece and nephew, their sister and husband, their cousins, and their aunts and uncles just as much as I miss mine!  I look forward to Xmas with w new kind of energy that I have not felt in years!