Grieving

I have lost so many family members it is even useless to count. My mom Selina in 2002, my dad Noel in 2005, my brother Fortunate in 2007, my sister Savior in 2012, and a niece Nyarai the same year. Growing up, death was a rare occasion. I remember the first person and when I first became aware of death as child, losing was my grandmother's brother, Sekuru Francis, and that must have been in  1968 or 1969. Then I later lost my grandmother Prisca in April 1977. Years and many years, would pass by before I lost any other close relatives.

However, at the turn of the century things changed not for the better but for the worse, as we started losing more and more of our family members. Maybe not the turn of the century, but the close of the last century. I remember losing my younger sister Maidei in 1993, then my eldest brother Stephen 1998, not mentioning my mother's first born Rhoderick, who was lost during the war, around 1975. All these deaths affected me in different ways but I always thought somehow it was a curse from above, maybe for something I had done.

I grieved for all their passing and most of all I would be surrounded by my family and sometimes cushioned by the innocence of being young. I am aware of Maidei's passing and how it affected me. To lose my youngest sister was just terrible and it took a toll on me as I could not accept her passing as part of life. She was the sweetest younger sister any older sister could ever wish for.  She had not yet turned 30, and I questioned why such a young life? With the passing of time I learned to live with her loss but still plagued by the idea that maybe there was something I could have done as an older sister to make her know she was loved. To this day I grieve for Maidei in silence as I miss what she could have taught me in this century, let alone her two young kids who grew up without a mother.

On February 28 2013, I received a call I had never imagined nor dreamed receiving in my life ever. I could not believe my ears when Andrew my younger sister Thandiwe's husband told me my beloved sister Tracy, the one a couple of years older than me, and the one I came after had suddenly passed away.  How does that happen? How could it have happened? How could she leave without bidding me farewell? Who was there to hold her hand as she was leaving? How come I had no inkling she was leaving? Had someone poisoned her? Had she been happy? What was ailing her? What did I say to her last time I spoke to her on the phone? When was the last time we spoke? All these questions were going through my mind as I struggled to deny what I had just heard. I did not want to accept that she was really gone forever and never to see her in this world again?

I prepared to go home that very night. I undertook the worst trip of my life, going to Zimbabwe for her funeral, just like I had done for my mother. I had vowed years earlier never to take that kind of trip but I knew if I had not gone I would have lost my mind. I met with my younger sister Doreen in Addis Ababa. That made me realize that sure enough my elder sister was no more. Arriving in Harare and seeing all my relatives who had come to welcome us if there is such a word during such a difficult time, made it real and all very real.
The worst part was to see her lifeless body in that casket, her eyes closed, and still as beautiful as though she was alive. I know people say do not weep as though you have no hope of ever seeing each other in the later life. I do not know about that life but in this life I miss my sister terribly. My heart was crushed, I wanted to hold my sis one more time but she was in that casket. I could not believe she was really gone. I had laughed with her on many occasions, I had wept with her numerous times, she gave me advice abundantly, she was the shoulder I leaned on especially since coming to the States.

We shared a lot of heartaches together, we shared the joys together, we were on this journey together. I feel as though she abandoned me because she left me without saying all I ever wanted to hear. I am grieving everyday, every night, I cannot accept she is gone. I close my eyes I see her and I want to reach out and touch her but she is not there. I love you sisi! I miss you everyday, I hope you find joy in that world that passes the joy you had in this world. May you please rest in peace, till we meet again. I will always love you my one and only Sisi Tracy.