Giving Life a Second Chance

Several days have passed and I have not been to my blog. However, today I woke up from a hopeful dream. In my dream I had been sweeping my apartment, and had all the trash taken out. Suddenly, I woke up and realized that I have been stuck in all the gabbage of my married life. I had not been able to move on. I had outwardly healed in many ways from the hurt of my last marriage, and the infidelities that came with it, but somehow inwardly I remained stuck in that period and time. I could not move on with my life as I wanted to. It was like all the gabbage from that era clattered my vision and I could not move on. Though I have forgiven my ex-husband for his misdeeds but I honestly do not feel like I had truly forgiven myself for subjecting myself to that humiliation for years on end.

I tried to find healing in speaking to women organizations on domestic violence but each time brought raw emotions. I could never finish what I intended to share with them. I became an emotional wreck. I judged myself too harshly and questioned why I felt I could be an expert and speak to others when I  had lived with abuse close to 30 years. I knew it was water under the bridge but I always wished I could go back and undo the hrt, the pain, and the humiliation.

Yesterday I sat down with a complete stranger, and I poured my heart out to her. She commforted me as I shared. At the end of our heart to heart she told me to forgive myself, because it appeared as I was too harsh against myself. I had failed to see it like that. I continued to think about her observation as I watched tennis on TV and realized from 2006 it appears I have been stuck and not moving forward. I failed to completely see that I could not account for someone's behaviors but my own. I honestly thank my 'friend' for making me realize what was staring me in my eyes.

Yesterday also marked another milestone in my life. I have decided to change my career path and will be moving into public health. It was my orientation day, and I met new people. I was surrounded by such posititve energy all day long. I was able to see all the good and the living I still have in me. For the first time I was able to look at the length of my abusive marriage  and admit to myself that I had not moved on instead of constantly questioning what I could have done differently. By the time I met with my 'friend' I was able to articulate all the misforgiving I had against myself. I realized that's why I had not been able to move on. I had forgiven everyone else but myself.

Symbolically in my sleep I was able to sweep all the dirt from my house which I feel represents my heart. When I woke up that dream was vivid, and I knew I had mentally taken the last step in my transition in life. I have swept out all the hurt, the torture, the pain, the hatred, the anger, and the questioning of my own role.

I want to embark on this phase of my life with a clean slate. I am willing to open my heart again to love life and new opportunities. I am willing not to judge people according to what my ex did to me. I am willing to embark on this new phase with no misgivings, and give life a second chance. I have swept all the dirt and gabbage from my inner being.