A few days ago I wrote about the relationship of grandparents and grandchildren. Now I have had several days to experience it more and be tested as well. Nothing has taken away from my joy of those two naughty and endearing grandchildren of mine. The days have gone by so fast because every minute of my waking hours is spent with them. They have been the center of my world and nothing else stopped to exist. I know their mom might feel like I am taking over but I know my boundaries. I am not there to discipline them, I am not there not make their schedules, I am just here to spend time as much as I can with them.
Tao is at an age where he understands the meaning of play and seriousness. He knows how far he can push the buttons, test my temper, try my patience, and somehow unlike my children he knows Gogo has a lot of patience where he is concerned, can tolerate his misbehaviors, and try my temper all he can. He knows when he wants his mom or his dad's attention, and he knows when he wants Gogo to take him to the bathroom and wipe his bottom and then have the audacity to tell me 'wait Gogo I have to go again and please put your fingers on your nose!' Who else but a grandson can get away with that. He knows when he misbehaves and I tell him he will be facing disciplinary action from his mom then he will cry for his mom because he knows his mom's threats are just empty threats, yet even a look from his dad speaks volumes, and a word puts him in his right place. I have had a wonderful week bonding with Tao and no price can even be attached to that!
As for Tana the first couple of days were so heartbreaking. She would not willingly come to me. She would not even look at me let alone turn her head when I called her name she continued to ignore me and obliterated me into oblivion, ouch that hurt I tell you. Though for the several past days she has sown says she is getting used to the idea of having me around and that did a lot to warm up my heart. Yesterday Saturday somehow, marked a milestone in our relationship. She sought me out the whole day. We took pictures of her looking at me and me looking at her in the mirror! She wanted to participate in all the playing I did with Tao, she even let me feed me. She would come and seek me from the living room and run back to the kitchen so that I could follow her. She let me pick her up and we could play Giddya, Giddya! and she now knows when I get hold of her I can tickle her and she is ready to keep laughing. She knows when she sees me with my camera she is posing for pictures. It has been more than what my heart and my emotions hungered for! To hold this tiny baby girl in my arms and feel her, smell her, and actually see her and not just picture her, this was a true blessing!
However, no matter how I feel right now, it will never make up for all the time I will not be with them, for all the time I am gone and I will miss them with all my being! I cannot tell what the future holds but for the time being I am happy I got to meet my grandchildren!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Grandchildren
I am sitting here wondering why I feel so fulfilled after such a long time of not holding Taonenyasha/Theodore and Tanashe/Theone in my arms. I start to wonder what other people have said about grandparents-grandchildren relationships. I google that up just to get a feel of how other grandparents have described that relationship. The first quote was this one!
Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation. ~Lois Wyse!
Now I am connected to my granchildren through their mother, just as I was connected to my grandparents through my mother, just as she was also connected to her own grandparents through her parents and so on and so on. How very appropriate! I look at Tao and I cannot help but realize that here is my own extension through my daughter! I look at Tana and hear her laugh and see her smile and she touches my heart because I recognize a little bit of my own smile in hers! At some point in my life I was that innocent, I laughed without a care, I smiled to show my love, Tana and Tao do the same but they care. Before they could fully trust me they had to realize my love for them. Now they come to me as Tao says 'Gogo' and Tana says 'baby' to me and we threel roll on the floor for hours just grandma and grandbabies! I see that dimple on Tana's cheek and I know the day I will leave her I am going to have a hole that deep in my heart because I do not ever want to leave! I hear Tao's voice as I drift off to sleep and relaize I never want to miss his voice in my ears ever again.
Then I find another quote......
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb.
One saying, that perfect love does not come until the first grandchild, and the second, and the third, and the next and th next and it will always be perfect with each grandchild because they will all be perfect! I cannot explain it but there is comething so special in my heart, not that I never felt it for my children, I did but then this time it is multiplied tenfold. Maybe it is because when I had my children I was still so very young and did not even look beyond bringing them up. Now that they are adults I cannot believe I have been blessed to see my own grandchildren. I have siblings who did not live to see their own children grow up as such I appreciate this life that I have been blessed with. I have friends who died in the prime of their lives, with so many plans, they never realized, and I am so grateful that I have realized so many plans some that I never even thought I had. Yes I have now experienced perfect love through my grandchildren., not only one but so far two, how can I not feel this perfect love!
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown
I cannot believe I have been sitting in this house for five days now and I have not even tried to watch the news! All I have been watching Cbiebees, Toy Story, Toy Book, Simpsons, Smurfs, Elmo, and all the British children's TV shows. I last read story books to Farai when he was in grade school now he is a man in his 20s! These few days it has been Tao and Tana counting, jumping, riding horse, reading, doing the alphabet and I find my heart nostalgic with that love I had for my children while we read and played. What babysitter can be as perfect as that babysitting and teaching. We laugh, we run, we take naps, and yes watch TV shows Tao loves, and Tana watches innocently, and we take our own home videos, memories to treasure forever. For me TV for these days is not even missed because I have real live drama with my grandbabies! I wonder when Bravo is going to bring on the show Real Live Grandmothers and Their Grandchildren for you never know with reality TV!
Then I see another quote.........
What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies. ~Rudolph Giuliani.
I never thought at any point and time I would quote Rudolph Giuliani in anything but here he gives me the icing on the cake! I might not have brought cookies but we have been munching on peanuts because in my culture that's what grandmother's provide in abundance besides life peanuts to make you thirsty and drink! I have love unconditional, patience like I never knew, humor to see the fun in what I do not even understand, comfort in knowing them, kindness because they need it in this world, care how can I not, and lots of kisses and hugs!
Grandchildren are the reverse of all I have said above about grandparents! So there is no difference, grandchildren provide us with lessons that we did not know when our own children were younger, they reconnect us to our children as adults as we only knew them as our children, they take us back to our own childhood to our own grandparents and realize the lessons we learned what we know without even knowing we were being taught anything, they bring memories of our own parents because that was the role we thought we knew the most but now realize as our own children try hard that we did not know anything. Grandchildren are more than just dots that connect generation to generation, they are the link pins that ensure we never get disconnected and that generations are interconnected together forever!
When a child is born, so are grandmothers. ~Judith Levy
I was born more than 50 years ago, and so my role as a grandparent was born! It just did not start when the child the grandchild was born we are prepared for the role from the day we are born!
Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation. ~Lois Wyse!
Now I am connected to my granchildren through their mother, just as I was connected to my grandparents through my mother, just as she was also connected to her own grandparents through her parents and so on and so on. How very appropriate! I look at Tao and I cannot help but realize that here is my own extension through my daughter! I look at Tana and hear her laugh and see her smile and she touches my heart because I recognize a little bit of my own smile in hers! At some point in my life I was that innocent, I laughed without a care, I smiled to show my love, Tana and Tao do the same but they care. Before they could fully trust me they had to realize my love for them. Now they come to me as Tao says 'Gogo' and Tana says 'baby' to me and we threel roll on the floor for hours just grandma and grandbabies! I see that dimple on Tana's cheek and I know the day I will leave her I am going to have a hole that deep in my heart because I do not ever want to leave! I hear Tao's voice as I drift off to sleep and relaize I never want to miss his voice in my ears ever again.
Then I find another quote......
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb.
One saying, that perfect love does not come until the first grandchild, and the second, and the third, and the next and th next and it will always be perfect with each grandchild because they will all be perfect! I cannot explain it but there is comething so special in my heart, not that I never felt it for my children, I did but then this time it is multiplied tenfold. Maybe it is because when I had my children I was still so very young and did not even look beyond bringing them up. Now that they are adults I cannot believe I have been blessed to see my own grandchildren. I have siblings who did not live to see their own children grow up as such I appreciate this life that I have been blessed with. I have friends who died in the prime of their lives, with so many plans, they never realized, and I am so grateful that I have realized so many plans some that I never even thought I had. Yes I have now experienced perfect love through my grandchildren., not only one but so far two, how can I not feel this perfect love!
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown
I cannot believe I have been sitting in this house for five days now and I have not even tried to watch the news! All I have been watching Cbiebees, Toy Story, Toy Book, Simpsons, Smurfs, Elmo, and all the British children's TV shows. I last read story books to Farai when he was in grade school now he is a man in his 20s! These few days it has been Tao and Tana counting, jumping, riding horse, reading, doing the alphabet and I find my heart nostalgic with that love I had for my children while we read and played. What babysitter can be as perfect as that babysitting and teaching. We laugh, we run, we take naps, and yes watch TV shows Tao loves, and Tana watches innocently, and we take our own home videos, memories to treasure forever. For me TV for these days is not even missed because I have real live drama with my grandbabies! I wonder when Bravo is going to bring on the show Real Live Grandmothers and Their Grandchildren for you never know with reality TV!
Then I see another quote.........
What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies. ~Rudolph Giuliani.
I never thought at any point and time I would quote Rudolph Giuliani in anything but here he gives me the icing on the cake! I might not have brought cookies but we have been munching on peanuts because in my culture that's what grandmother's provide in abundance besides life peanuts to make you thirsty and drink! I have love unconditional, patience like I never knew, humor to see the fun in what I do not even understand, comfort in knowing them, kindness because they need it in this world, care how can I not, and lots of kisses and hugs!
Grandchildren are the reverse of all I have said above about grandparents! So there is no difference, grandchildren provide us with lessons that we did not know when our own children were younger, they reconnect us to our children as adults as we only knew them as our children, they take us back to our own childhood to our own grandparents and realize the lessons we learned what we know without even knowing we were being taught anything, they bring memories of our own parents because that was the role we thought we knew the most but now realize as our own children try hard that we did not know anything. Grandchildren are more than just dots that connect generation to generation, they are the link pins that ensure we never get disconnected and that generations are interconnected together forever!
When a child is born, so are grandmothers. ~Judith Levy
I was born more than 50 years ago, and so my role as a grandparent was born! It just did not start when the child the grandchild was born we are prepared for the role from the day we are born!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
He/She Completes Me
I am sitting here wondering how many times I have heard someone say somebody completes them. I wonder in my mind's view whether they were created incomplete initially and whether I am the one who fails to get. In my understanding I am a woman made in His image. That goes for everyone whether man or woman we are all made in His image. For me I know He took care of all the details when my life was formed and He forgot nothing. Why then would I feel as though I need someone to complete me. I also know I am here in His perfect time not by mere chance. I did not arrive too late in history nor did I arrive ahead of my schedule. As such I fit perfectly into my world and the world fits into me. Why then would I need someone to complete because that would not make me fit into my place and my place would not fit me. In that context then, I know I do not need anyone to complete me as I was created at the appropriate time to fit in with His perfect plans for me.
Well some might say it is all but sour grapes. No I am not sour about anything but I feel completely the opposite because I have so much to be grateful for. I have experienced love of family, closeness of the ones who love me the most in the world. I have had a happy life despite all that I endured for it was meant for my growth and preparation for the world. As such I had to go through it before I could appreciate all that in life had for me. We live, learn and we grow and I believe it did not happen for no reason. However even though my family are that close to me because they are my blood I know as a human being I am complete as I am. Why then would I need someone whom I am not related to through my DNA to complete me? My family's world would not come to sudden halt if I were to suddenly disappear. Neither would mine if they were to suddenly disappear. I would be obliged to carry on. Their lives would continue as well but I know they will be affected by my loss, obviously I would leave a hole in their lives, just as I would be affected by their loss similarly.
I am a physically abled person. I have a fully functioning mind, I am really smart, intelligent, I have good judgment of character. I have no idiosyncratic behaviors that I personally question about myself. Of course I miss having that special someone to share with on a daily basis but I do not need that person to complete me for I was made complete. I am as normal as anyone would wish for except hence I do not need anyone to complete me. Do you still need someone to complete you? Look within you and you will find you are complete but there are certain aspects of life and living that we cannot fulfill on our own, just like no man is an island. As such we need each other to depend on each other, to believe in each other, to help each other, to love each other, to trash each other, but not complete each other.
Well some might say it is all but sour grapes. No I am not sour about anything but I feel completely the opposite because I have so much to be grateful for. I have experienced love of family, closeness of the ones who love me the most in the world. I have had a happy life despite all that I endured for it was meant for my growth and preparation for the world. As such I had to go through it before I could appreciate all that in life had for me. We live, learn and we grow and I believe it did not happen for no reason. However even though my family are that close to me because they are my blood I know as a human being I am complete as I am. Why then would I need someone whom I am not related to through my DNA to complete me? My family's world would not come to sudden halt if I were to suddenly disappear. Neither would mine if they were to suddenly disappear. I would be obliged to carry on. Their lives would continue as well but I know they will be affected by my loss, obviously I would leave a hole in their lives, just as I would be affected by their loss similarly.
I am a physically abled person. I have a fully functioning mind, I am really smart, intelligent, I have good judgment of character. I have no idiosyncratic behaviors that I personally question about myself. Of course I miss having that special someone to share with on a daily basis but I do not need that person to complete me for I was made complete. I am as normal as anyone would wish for except hence I do not need anyone to complete me. Do you still need someone to complete you? Look within you and you will find you are complete but there are certain aspects of life and living that we cannot fulfill on our own, just like no man is an island. As such we need each other to depend on each other, to believe in each other, to help each other, to love each other, to trash each other, but not complete each other.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
You win some and you lose some
Tonight was not my best night. I knew I wanted to be the presenter of our group, but I let the person who did the PowerPoint dictate that she would be the presenter.
First let me start from the beginning we argued at every little thing and my bone of contention was in our statistics we needed to present a local argument than a national argument of the whole thing. I know I should have pushed the idea more but I let her dictate and I took a backseat as such I should put up with it. I am a teacher by profession and we always present in front of the class, before the parents, at conferences and the like. Tonight did not leave me in good standing I did not swell with pride at what we presented before the class. Our presentation was ripped to shreds and it is not a good feeling when you have not put your best foot forward, and tonight I did not put my best foot forward.
I am not a perfectionist but presentations are part and parcel of my career and I feel I let myself down. I am going to coin it to experience and try to move on but my heart is really heavy. I wonder whether I will be able to sleep at all. I have never felt so undone over anything at all.
It was a shame!
First let me start from the beginning we argued at every little thing and my bone of contention was in our statistics we needed to present a local argument than a national argument of the whole thing. I know I should have pushed the idea more but I let her dictate and I took a backseat as such I should put up with it. I am a teacher by profession and we always present in front of the class, before the parents, at conferences and the like. Tonight did not leave me in good standing I did not swell with pride at what we presented before the class. Our presentation was ripped to shreds and it is not a good feeling when you have not put your best foot forward, and tonight I did not put my best foot forward.
I am not a perfectionist but presentations are part and parcel of my career and I feel I let myself down. I am going to coin it to experience and try to move on but my heart is really heavy. I wonder whether I will be able to sleep at all. I have never felt so undone over anything at all.
It was a shame!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Best Xmas EVER!
Well finally I will get to hold my grandbabies. Tao is almost four years and I have never held his body close to mine. I have not touched his soft baby skin not even once. I have not had the chance to look into his eyes and tell him he is my first grandbaby. However because of technology I believe I have come to know Tao as much as I could under the circumstances because I have talked to him on the phone, on Skype and I have seen him develop into a young guy right before my eyes. I have read stories to him as he sat quietly there and gave me the love I needed from him as though he instinctively knew how I felt. However nothing could have been as painful as not being able to hold my own daughter's child in my arms all the time he was growing and I was missing out on this young boy's life and experiences. This is the only time I have ever regretted not being home in Zimbabwe where I could have been able to see him on a daily basis and not separated by this pond that I need a visa for in order to cross to see my grandbabies!
Tana is a year old, she looks at me with her googly eyes and she smiles. She blows me kisses, she waves to me as we Skype together. Sometimes she even types gibberish as we chat and I wonder what she is thinking inwardly, nothing has made each experience with them none less meaningful. Sometimes she just smiles and my heart melts and I find myself trying so hard not to cry because I really want to hold this child an extension of myself in my arms. Someone should have told me that's what loving unconditionally means. I love the two of them in their unique ways and I am so happy 2011 Xmas is when I get to see my grandbabies for the first time!
I have not seen my daughter in six years! Her husband the same as well as all my nephews and nieces! Little did I know when I was making the move to study in the US that I would be sacrificing time with my family, friends, and all relatives. I am so happy that this Xmas though I will not see all my relatives but I will get to see some of them. It will be good to reconnect but I cant help but feel sorry for my children who will not be making this journey with me for I know they miss their niece and nephew, their sister and husband, their cousins, and their aunts and uncles just as much as I miss mine! I look forward to Xmas with w new kind of energy that I have not felt in years!
Tana is a year old, she looks at me with her googly eyes and she smiles. She blows me kisses, she waves to me as we Skype together. Sometimes she even types gibberish as we chat and I wonder what she is thinking inwardly, nothing has made each experience with them none less meaningful. Sometimes she just smiles and my heart melts and I find myself trying so hard not to cry because I really want to hold this child an extension of myself in my arms. Someone should have told me that's what loving unconditionally means. I love the two of them in their unique ways and I am so happy 2011 Xmas is when I get to see my grandbabies for the first time!
I have not seen my daughter in six years! Her husband the same as well as all my nephews and nieces! Little did I know when I was making the move to study in the US that I would be sacrificing time with my family, friends, and all relatives. I am so happy that this Xmas though I will not see all my relatives but I will get to see some of them. It will be good to reconnect but I cant help but feel sorry for my children who will not be making this journey with me for I know they miss their niece and nephew, their sister and husband, their cousins, and their aunts and uncles just as much as I miss mine! I look forward to Xmas with w new kind of energy that I have not felt in years!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Lazy Sunday
No one deserves this break more than I do. I have been reading and writing and trying to keep on top of my assignments because that is the kind of person I am. I do not rush to meet the deadline I meet the deadline at a rush that is way head of time. I never wondered whether my transport will leave me behind because I was running behind, because I would be there waiting all the time. I am not one who is late for appointments, I am usually the one waiting for other people to arrive. As such, by the time deadlines come around I am just waiting for them because all my work is done and ready.
So today is just a day one of those rare days this fall of 2011, that I can enjoy my reality shows that I have not watched in many months. Today is the day I can enjoy my one hour long walk because I have earned it. Today is the day I get to clean my place because I have been ignoring it for long. Today I get to cook a nice hot meal for myself because I been eating food from two weeks ago when my kids visited and I need a hot meal. Oh there no, no, no Trish, Ra, and Farai it was not stale by the way I know better than to eat food that would poison me, but what else did you want me to do, to throw away all that good food. Next time make sure you stay long enough to eat all the food, because in my world we never threw food away and I still feel guilty throwing good food away!
Oh I will also get to enjoy that bar of chocolate I bought a week ago and had not been round to savor the tasty creamy chocolate in my mouth. Best f all, I will spend time on FB and catch up with all the friends and relatives, and the gossip that FB brings into my life. I will get to change my photos on FB because there are people though they might not admit it enjoy peaking at my pretty pictures. Today I just feel fabulous, so I am going to post that fabulous picture on FB. Have a fabulous and blessed day I know mine has been.
So today is just a day one of those rare days this fall of 2011, that I can enjoy my reality shows that I have not watched in many months. Today is the day I can enjoy my one hour long walk because I have earned it. Today is the day I get to clean my place because I have been ignoring it for long. Today I get to cook a nice hot meal for myself because I been eating food from two weeks ago when my kids visited and I need a hot meal. Oh there no, no, no Trish, Ra, and Farai it was not stale by the way I know better than to eat food that would poison me, but what else did you want me to do, to throw away all that good food. Next time make sure you stay long enough to eat all the food, because in my world we never threw food away and I still feel guilty throwing good food away!
Oh I will also get to enjoy that bar of chocolate I bought a week ago and had not been round to savor the tasty creamy chocolate in my mouth. Best f all, I will spend time on FB and catch up with all the friends and relatives, and the gossip that FB brings into my life. I will get to change my photos on FB because there are people though they might not admit it enjoy peaking at my pretty pictures. Today I just feel fabulous, so I am going to post that fabulous picture on FB. Have a fabulous and blessed day I know mine has been.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Busy Life
I guess in life we can never be really content with what we have. Last year I was basically idle and besides volunteering in my community I did not do anything really productive. It was the only year ever in my life as an adult that I was not juggling one or two jobs, or going to school, taking care of family or extended family. Yet I was not happy. I started my blog so as to pass time, and wished I could have something to do. I turned to eating as a way of passing time and entertaining myself as a result I put on a lot of weight and pushed my cholesterol levels up. Yet when I worked two or three jobs I wished I could just find one day to myself!
This academic year started on a different note altogether. I am back in school where I am torturing myself with bio stats or bio stats is torturing me. I am spending hours on my dining table trying to figure out the probability, to calculate the f test, to fail to reject the null hypothesis or reject the hypothesis, trying to calculate the degree of freedom, the confidence interval, and find what the critical value is, whether I use a two tail test or one tail test, to figure out if variances are equal whether I fail to reject or I reject the null hypothesis. You see how I am being tortured by bio stats and I am torturing them in return.
In another class I am reading about the spread of disease and about public health. I am learning about mortality and morbidity. I am learning about person years, incidence, prevalence, risk, and odds ratio, cohorts, case studies, experiments, placebos, what the heck! Sometimes I forget to eat because I am so engrossed in my work until I find myself having dizzy spells and I realize the engine is empty. So who will study what the cause of my death was? They might attribute it to Salmonella that was in the egg I had for breakfast, to Listeria in my favorite cantaloupe, caused my heart failure due to stress, no, no, I forgot to eat!
I have no time to be idle, or time to write on my blog anymore. Though I am happy I am not content because I do not get to do all I wish I could do in a day. Tatiana the other day threw a tantrum because I had not talked to her in days. Tao and Tana I have now missed them for weeks yet I used to speak to them on a daily basis. Trish leaves messages and says "Mother where are you?" Joy said "my lucky day" because she had not seen me on line for so long yet I used to chat with her almost everyday, now I am scarce even to my own children. My friends tell me they hardly recognize my voice anymore. Well I am busy but I did not say I am content. I enjoy what I am doing but, now I miss all the other things I used to do when I was not working.
I have to learn that in life you cannot have everything. That's why they say you win some and you lose some.
To be content is to believe everything is alright and there is never a time when everything is alright. I love you all and I promise it will get better!
This academic year started on a different note altogether. I am back in school where I am torturing myself with bio stats or bio stats is torturing me. I am spending hours on my dining table trying to figure out the probability, to calculate the f test, to fail to reject the null hypothesis or reject the hypothesis, trying to calculate the degree of freedom, the confidence interval, and find what the critical value is, whether I use a two tail test or one tail test, to figure out if variances are equal whether I fail to reject or I reject the null hypothesis. You see how I am being tortured by bio stats and I am torturing them in return.
In another class I am reading about the spread of disease and about public health. I am learning about mortality and morbidity. I am learning about person years, incidence, prevalence, risk, and odds ratio, cohorts, case studies, experiments, placebos, what the heck! Sometimes I forget to eat because I am so engrossed in my work until I find myself having dizzy spells and I realize the engine is empty. So who will study what the cause of my death was? They might attribute it to Salmonella that was in the egg I had for breakfast, to Listeria in my favorite cantaloupe, caused my heart failure due to stress, no, no, I forgot to eat!
I have no time to be idle, or time to write on my blog anymore. Though I am happy I am not content because I do not get to do all I wish I could do in a day. Tatiana the other day threw a tantrum because I had not talked to her in days. Tao and Tana I have now missed them for weeks yet I used to speak to them on a daily basis. Trish leaves messages and says "Mother where are you?" Joy said "my lucky day" because she had not seen me on line for so long yet I used to chat with her almost everyday, now I am scarce even to my own children. My friends tell me they hardly recognize my voice anymore. Well I am busy but I did not say I am content. I enjoy what I am doing but, now I miss all the other things I used to do when I was not working.
I have to learn that in life you cannot have everything. That's why they say you win some and you lose some.
To be content is to believe everything is alright and there is never a time when everything is alright. I love you all and I promise it will get better!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Not my own writing
Dance Like No One's Watching~
We convince ourselves that life
will be better after we get married,
have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough
and we'll be more content when they are.
After that we're frustrated that we
have teenagers to deal with,
we will certainly be happy
when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete
when our spouse gets his or her act together,
when we get a nicer car,
are able to go on a nice vacation,
when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time
to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?
are able to go on a nice vacation,
when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time
to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself
and decide to be happy anyway.
One of my favorite quotes comes
from Alfred D Souza.
He said, "For a long time it had seemed
to me that life was about to begin -real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way,
something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business,
time still to be served,
a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.
At last it dawned on me that these
obstacles were my life."
This perspective has helped me to see
that there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way,
so, treasure every moment that you have.
And treasure it more because you shared it
with someone special,
special enough to spend your time...
and remember that time waits for no one.
So stop waiting until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer,
until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up,
until you die, until you are born again
to decide that there is no better time
than right now to be happy...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So, Work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt and
Dance Like no one's watching.
Love like you've never been hurt and
Dance Like no one's watching.
~Author Unknown~
I just wanted to share a poem I found so true!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Try, Try, Try again!
I am not sure how many times in my primary school teaching years I encouraged my students by telling them try, try, try again. If at first you do not succeed try, try, try again! Simply said but not easy to do! I had almost forgotten about it until last night.
I am not a numbers person and last time I wrote how I felt like I am being a glutton for punishment, it is because I never give up without fighting or trying per se.
Last night I went to bed after 3 am. I had been struggling with the golden rule of stats, the probability, the 2x2 table in stats. No matter how much I told myself I could do it I was almost giving up, however last night I accomplished it.
I worked on my 2x2 tables, on the probability questions, and the golden rule of solving problems in public health. I was almost giving up when I convinced myself to try once more. When I got one right, and the next and the next I did not want to stop.
I wonder why we give up before we even try. I now believe I can do it, if others can do it, so can I.
I am not a numbers person and last time I wrote how I felt like I am being a glutton for punishment, it is because I never give up without fighting or trying per se.
Last night I went to bed after 3 am. I had been struggling with the golden rule of stats, the probability, the 2x2 table in stats. No matter how much I told myself I could do it I was almost giving up, however last night I accomplished it.
I worked on my 2x2 tables, on the probability questions, and the golden rule of solving problems in public health. I was almost giving up when I convinced myself to try once more. When I got one right, and the next and the next I did not want to stop.
I wonder why we give up before we even try. I now believe I can do it, if others can do it, so can I.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Glutton for punishment
I used to think I was a glutton for punishment for all the harsh and cruel things I put up with in life as a married woman. I held on to a one-sided marriage for more than 27 years. My marriage was filled with abuse, disrespect, infidelity, violence in every aspect I can think of, but for 27 years I put up with it. Maybe, It was all the fights that brought out the best in me and made me just go for the sky and know that the sky was the limit. Now I am subjecting myself to worse punishments willingly because I just happen to love life and intigued by what makes people ill and what can be done to control the spread of disease. Maybe now I am a glutton with a purpose.
I started improving myself academically when I was in my late 30s. At times I wondered whether I would make it or not, but I proved I had the intelligence to hang with the best in the world. However, it seems I have not learned when to stop. I earned my doctorate about six years ago. However, my heart is no longer in education. I conducted my research in health education. Thats when I realized that I needed to go in different direction all together with my career. My research was on the perceptions of leadership in HIV education in secondary schools. After condution my interviews with focus groups in schools I realized that was what I wanted to do. I will never forget the voices of the children I talked to in all the schools I went to. I will never forget the faces of all relatives and friends I have lost to HIV. I will never forget the trauma inflicted on the relatives left behind, maybe thats why I am a glutton for punishment and even consider taking STATISTICS!
There was this urge in me that I could change the lives of people in my country especially of the youths who told me that by they time they learned about protection in sexual intimacy most times they would have been intimate with someone without protection. No matter what people think about my culture, some think we are too promiscous but the problem is we are too closed or too conservative. We do not talk about sex, period. We always assume that kids will supress their sexual feelings until they are ready for marriage which I know is just wishful thinking. The youth have raging hormones and adults in their lives simply pretend the youth will get over them, or they will be able to control their emotions.
How can they? They need people who are committed to actually step out of the box and start talking about the unmentionables of life. They need adults who can dare challenge traditional norms and values and be responsible to teach youth about the facts of life. Not only youth need to be taught about the pandemic but all adults whether male or female they need to be taught about sexual responsibility. In Zimbabwe one in every four adults are HIV positive. Those are basic statistics, which are scaring. These basics numbers do not need anyone to calculate how the disease is spread, what the rate of incidence is, or what the prevalence rate is.
The other day I was researching the Spanish Flu of 1918 and realized that investigators are having to go back decades now to tell how ravaged Africa was by the flu. That intrigues me. HIV is now, it is threatening many people's lives, it has affected many people's lives, and it will affect many people's lives. I want to be able to say I played my part. I have always had questions about why certain diseases happen and are eradicated and yet others have been lying dormant like HIV possibly for years centuries then suddenly HIV just peaked from the 1980's and trends show it has not been deteriorating at all. As responsible people I feel we all need to able to play a part to curtail the spread of this disease, that's why I am going back to school at my age again to torture my mind with STATISTICS!
I always had a phobia for numbers, let alone crunching them into meaningful statistics that can be interpreted to some meaningful and intelligent data and can be interpreted by anyone in the world, then be used to prevent the same from happening in later generations. I decided to go back to school again this year and I am changing my career path in my fifties! I want work in public health. I want to understand how disease is spread and how it can be prevented. My nemesis was not the learning of theories because I have learned many theories. My fear was STATISTICS! During my first class I was wondering whether I was a glutton for punishment. However, I realize I am not that at all but I am passionate about life, and all my life I have always done things to serve my community. For I have never said I can not it, I always say if others can do it so can I. I have always pushed my self to know that the sky is the limit, and if it is in my heart I can accomplish it.
I started improving myself academically when I was in my late 30s. At times I wondered whether I would make it or not, but I proved I had the intelligence to hang with the best in the world. However, it seems I have not learned when to stop. I earned my doctorate about six years ago. However, my heart is no longer in education. I conducted my research in health education. Thats when I realized that I needed to go in different direction all together with my career. My research was on the perceptions of leadership in HIV education in secondary schools. After condution my interviews with focus groups in schools I realized that was what I wanted to do. I will never forget the voices of the children I talked to in all the schools I went to. I will never forget the faces of all relatives and friends I have lost to HIV. I will never forget the trauma inflicted on the relatives left behind, maybe thats why I am a glutton for punishment and even consider taking STATISTICS!
There was this urge in me that I could change the lives of people in my country especially of the youths who told me that by they time they learned about protection in sexual intimacy most times they would have been intimate with someone without protection. No matter what people think about my culture, some think we are too promiscous but the problem is we are too closed or too conservative. We do not talk about sex, period. We always assume that kids will supress their sexual feelings until they are ready for marriage which I know is just wishful thinking. The youth have raging hormones and adults in their lives simply pretend the youth will get over them, or they will be able to control their emotions.
How can they? They need people who are committed to actually step out of the box and start talking about the unmentionables of life. They need adults who can dare challenge traditional norms and values and be responsible to teach youth about the facts of life. Not only youth need to be taught about the pandemic but all adults whether male or female they need to be taught about sexual responsibility. In Zimbabwe one in every four adults are HIV positive. Those are basic statistics, which are scaring. These basics numbers do not need anyone to calculate how the disease is spread, what the rate of incidence is, or what the prevalence rate is.
The other day I was researching the Spanish Flu of 1918 and realized that investigators are having to go back decades now to tell how ravaged Africa was by the flu. That intrigues me. HIV is now, it is threatening many people's lives, it has affected many people's lives, and it will affect many people's lives. I want to be able to say I played my part. I have always had questions about why certain diseases happen and are eradicated and yet others have been lying dormant like HIV possibly for years centuries then suddenly HIV just peaked from the 1980's and trends show it has not been deteriorating at all. As responsible people I feel we all need to able to play a part to curtail the spread of this disease, that's why I am going back to school at my age again to torture my mind with STATISTICS!
I always had a phobia for numbers, let alone crunching them into meaningful statistics that can be interpreted to some meaningful and intelligent data and can be interpreted by anyone in the world, then be used to prevent the same from happening in later generations. I decided to go back to school again this year and I am changing my career path in my fifties! I want work in public health. I want to understand how disease is spread and how it can be prevented. My nemesis was not the learning of theories because I have learned many theories. My fear was STATISTICS! During my first class I was wondering whether I was a glutton for punishment. However, I realize I am not that at all but I am passionate about life, and all my life I have always done things to serve my community. For I have never said I can not it, I always say if others can do it so can I. I have always pushed my self to know that the sky is the limit, and if it is in my heart I can accomplish it.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Life with its twists and turns
Life is full of surprises with all its twists and turns. I have just spent the first week living on my own in my two bedroomed duplex! I got to spend my labor day weekend not laboring for anyone but myself. I also enjoyed the company of a friend who was kind enough to invite me over to her place and we shared our life stories. The story of a woman that is almost similar no matter where you come from in the world. Once you become a mother you cease being selfish and carter to the needs of the children whom you innocently brought in to the world. We got to discuss about letting go of the apron strings, but how can a mother do that when that child is flesh of your own flesh and blood of your own blood? Letting go does not matter whether he/she is going a mile away or a thousand miles away. They steal our hearts when they are born, and they hold our hearts to ransom until we die. We bring them up in the best way and pray they will always remember the life lessons given. White, black, yellow, or brown, mothers the world over as I have learned to appreciate with age are the hands that truly rock the cradle with love in every wave.
Though I have physically stopped washing and cooking for my children on a daily basis everyday I wonder what they had for their meals, whether their clothes are clean, whether they miss me as much as I miss them. Once a mother always a mother no matter how old the children are a day, two months, two years, 16, 26, 56 or 90 years old! I sensed the same in my friend who had sent her 20 year old son to military school and she kept checking her email for a loving word even though it had barely been hours and he had gone barely a couple hundred miles away. I experienced the same when I sent my first born son thousands of miles to a new world. As such I understood how she felt and just wanted to be there for her and let her know in a special way that I understood her pain. Everyone born of a woman is blessed because they have the angels to call mother! So we are all lucky because we came from women! I achingly miss my own mother basically everyday! I wish I had shown her more patience and love while I had that angel to hold my hand as I matured.
How do I like being on my own? Of course I like it because I get to do what I want, when I want. I get to eat or sleep when I want and not walk on tiptoes because I might work someone up in the next room. I get to go to the bathroom with my door open, who cares, I am all by myself. However, my home feels so empty without anyone to share in laughs and sorrows on a daily basis! Those giggles that I still hear loudly today as though the kids are just in the next room and it feels like yesterday that they were all babies, but now they have flown away from the nest!
Some of the freedoms I never used to have when I lived with my children or when I had a roommate! I can get to sleep with my TV on all night long watching tennis who cares as long as I am there by myself. However, it is not the same as watching Alex Trebek on jeopardy every evening as we shout the answers as we try to outsmart each other. I miss you all my children, nephews, nieces, cousins, whatever relationship we have, and wherever you are or might be today, for you were all born of a woman like me! Your mother loves you!
Though I have physically stopped washing and cooking for my children on a daily basis everyday I wonder what they had for their meals, whether their clothes are clean, whether they miss me as much as I miss them. Once a mother always a mother no matter how old the children are a day, two months, two years, 16, 26, 56 or 90 years old! I sensed the same in my friend who had sent her 20 year old son to military school and she kept checking her email for a loving word even though it had barely been hours and he had gone barely a couple hundred miles away. I experienced the same when I sent my first born son thousands of miles to a new world. As such I understood how she felt and just wanted to be there for her and let her know in a special way that I understood her pain. Everyone born of a woman is blessed because they have the angels to call mother! So we are all lucky because we came from women! I achingly miss my own mother basically everyday! I wish I had shown her more patience and love while I had that angel to hold my hand as I matured.
How do I like being on my own? Of course I like it because I get to do what I want, when I want. I get to eat or sleep when I want and not walk on tiptoes because I might work someone up in the next room. I get to go to the bathroom with my door open, who cares, I am all by myself. However, my home feels so empty without anyone to share in laughs and sorrows on a daily basis! Those giggles that I still hear loudly today as though the kids are just in the next room and it feels like yesterday that they were all babies, but now they have flown away from the nest!
Some of the freedoms I never used to have when I lived with my children or when I had a roommate! I can get to sleep with my TV on all night long watching tennis who cares as long as I am there by myself. However, it is not the same as watching Alex Trebek on jeopardy every evening as we shout the answers as we try to outsmart each other. I miss you all my children, nephews, nieces, cousins, whatever relationship we have, and wherever you are or might be today, for you were all born of a woman like me! Your mother loves you!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Giving Life a Second Chance
Several days have passed and I have not been to my blog. However, today I woke up from a hopeful dream. In my dream I had been sweeping my apartment, and had all the trash taken out. Suddenly, I woke up and realized that I have been stuck in all the gabbage of my married life. I had not been able to move on. I had outwardly healed in many ways from the hurt of my last marriage, and the infidelities that came with it, but somehow inwardly I remained stuck in that period and time. I could not move on with my life as I wanted to. It was like all the gabbage from that era clattered my vision and I could not move on. Though I have forgiven my ex-husband for his misdeeds but I honestly do not feel like I had truly forgiven myself for subjecting myself to that humiliation for years on end.
I tried to find healing in speaking to women organizations on domestic violence but each time brought raw emotions. I could never finish what I intended to share with them. I became an emotional wreck. I judged myself too harshly and questioned why I felt I could be an expert and speak to others when I had lived with abuse close to 30 years. I knew it was water under the bridge but I always wished I could go back and undo the hrt, the pain, and the humiliation.
Yesterday I sat down with a complete stranger, and I poured my heart out to her. She commforted me as I shared. At the end of our heart to heart she told me to forgive myself, because it appeared as I was too harsh against myself. I had failed to see it like that. I continued to think about her observation as I watched tennis on TV and realized from 2006 it appears I have been stuck and not moving forward. I failed to completely see that I could not account for someone's behaviors but my own. I honestly thank my 'friend' for making me realize what was staring me in my eyes.
Yesterday also marked another milestone in my life. I have decided to change my career path and will be moving into public health. It was my orientation day, and I met new people. I was surrounded by such posititve energy all day long. I was able to see all the good and the living I still have in me. For the first time I was able to look at the length of my abusive marriage and admit to myself that I had not moved on instead of constantly questioning what I could have done differently. By the time I met with my 'friend' I was able to articulate all the misforgiving I had against myself. I realized that's why I had not been able to move on. I had forgiven everyone else but myself.
Symbolically in my sleep I was able to sweep all the dirt from my house which I feel represents my heart. When I woke up that dream was vivid, and I knew I had mentally taken the last step in my transition in life. I have swept out all the hurt, the torture, the pain, the hatred, the anger, and the questioning of my own role.
I want to embark on this phase of my life with a clean slate. I am willing to open my heart again to love life and new opportunities. I am willing not to judge people according to what my ex did to me. I am willing to embark on this new phase with no misgivings, and give life a second chance. I have swept all the dirt and gabbage from my inner being.
I tried to find healing in speaking to women organizations on domestic violence but each time brought raw emotions. I could never finish what I intended to share with them. I became an emotional wreck. I judged myself too harshly and questioned why I felt I could be an expert and speak to others when I had lived with abuse close to 30 years. I knew it was water under the bridge but I always wished I could go back and undo the hrt, the pain, and the humiliation.
Yesterday I sat down with a complete stranger, and I poured my heart out to her. She commforted me as I shared. At the end of our heart to heart she told me to forgive myself, because it appeared as I was too harsh against myself. I had failed to see it like that. I continued to think about her observation as I watched tennis on TV and realized from 2006 it appears I have been stuck and not moving forward. I failed to completely see that I could not account for someone's behaviors but my own. I honestly thank my 'friend' for making me realize what was staring me in my eyes.
Yesterday also marked another milestone in my life. I have decided to change my career path and will be moving into public health. It was my orientation day, and I met new people. I was surrounded by such posititve energy all day long. I was able to see all the good and the living I still have in me. For the first time I was able to look at the length of my abusive marriage and admit to myself that I had not moved on instead of constantly questioning what I could have done differently. By the time I met with my 'friend' I was able to articulate all the misforgiving I had against myself. I realized that's why I had not been able to move on. I had forgiven everyone else but myself.
Symbolically in my sleep I was able to sweep all the dirt from my house which I feel represents my heart. When I woke up that dream was vivid, and I knew I had mentally taken the last step in my transition in life. I have swept out all the hurt, the torture, the pain, the hatred, the anger, and the questioning of my own role.
I want to embark on this phase of my life with a clean slate. I am willing to open my heart again to love life and new opportunities. I am willing not to judge people according to what my ex did to me. I am willing to embark on this new phase with no misgivings, and give life a second chance. I have swept all the dirt and gabbage from my inner being.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION OF DR. ROSEMARY MUSANDIPA
My name is Doctor Rosemary Musandipa nee Musoko. I am the fourth born of my father and mother in a family of nine children (four boys and five girls). I was born of a polygamous father who had fourteen children in total, ultimately I am the eighth born in that big family. I grew up in colonial Rhodesia, where women and girls counted for nothing except to bear children, do the housework, and work the fields. One thing certain is I grew up surrounded and sheltered by the love of my parents, my grandmother, my siblings, and all adults in my village of Musoko in Seke, in the district of Goromonzi in the then Rhodesia now Zimbabwe. The memories of my early childhood education are that it took place in my grandmother’s hut in the evenings whilst shelling corn, peanuts, pounding corn for mealie-meal, or grinding peanut butter, or just listening to the tales of the adults while sitting by the warm evening fire. The adult women in my life would take turns to tell us a story every evening with some moral lesson or value, all the while we would be working. This made our chores seem more like fun, light, in the form of child play yet, at the same time gave us valuable lifelong lessons.
My primary education was at Marikopo Primary School, my local Salvation Army village school from Sub-Standard A then up to Standard Six. During this time (1962-1969) all my teachers were males except for one year in Standard Four in 1967 when a female taught me. I attribute my basic female education to my mother, my grandmother and women from my village. Mostly it consisted of personal hygiene, how to care for my home, become a good wife, basically all the traditional female submissive duties. For my two years of secondary education I attended Howard Secondary School, another Salvation Army institute, most of my teachers were males (mostly missionaries) except for my Math teacher who was a female Canadian Salvation Army Officer. That was instrumental in shaping me as a strong woman of faith, nurtured my curiosity to learn, while becoming an avid reader, but also still questioned my position in a world that did not nurture me as a complete human being because I was female. After those two years in secondary school I prematurely trained for three years to be a primary school teacher at the same institution. My father could no longer afford my secondary education as he had a huge family to educate, clothe, and feed. As a result, I started teaching from the time I was 18 up to the age of 35 when I decided to advance myself academically. I enrolled with Cambridge
Additional background information would suffice here. I got married in the year 1977 and my eldest son was born towards the end of that year followed by four more siblings (a boy and three girls), born in 1980, 1983, 1985, and 1986 (notice that in less than 10 years I had five children!). My maternal goal was to have my children before I turned 30 years of age and that was realized a few months after I turned 31 when I gave birth to my fifth and last born in November of 1986. My children are by now young adults who are either still doing their first degrees or completing, or getting married. The transition from Zimbabwe to the United States had been a great challenge to my career ambitions and personal relationship with my children. Initially I was forced to leave my four younger children in Zimbabwe, but am happy that we were reunited in less than two years and soon after I became their primary provider, due to the disintegration of our 27 year old marriage with their father. That is another book on its own and will not delve into that aspect of my life in this introduction.
The early years of my life were happy (though riddled by poverty) in the plains of the rural areas of central Zimbabwe. My secondary and teacher-training years were carefree years spent ensconced in the mountains of Chiweshe in a missionary school to the north of Zimbabwe. Most of my life as a career married woman and mother were spent in different environments varying from rural, urban, semi-urban, to farming and mining communities. I have vivid memories on how people in Zimbabwe
In all my first years as a teacher I believed in changing the lives of the students I taught. I worked in various capacities, as a class teacher, senior teacher, teacher-in- charge of the infant department, and finally as a school head. I enjoyed a lot of fulfillment every year just seeing my kids advance to the next level and most of all seeing them develop abilities to read, write, and enumerate, whilst developing into full fledged and engaged citizens. At the dawn of our independence in 1980 we enjoyed an influx of students into the education system with the introduction of free primary education. Many countries funded a lot of initiatives in the new nation, but the Lancaster House agreement of 1979 recommended lots of changes at the end of the decade. However, by the mid 1990s at the recommendation of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund (IMF) the implementation of the economic structural adjustment programs (ESAP) derailed the good results of our brief political and educational independence, as we were not economically independent yet.
At the same time many nations internationally were starting to cope with the identification and onslaught of HIV/AIDS, and Zimbabwe was among them. ESAP probably contributing more to the hardships of most Zimbabweans, and the continued years of failed rains contributed to the economic turmoil. Adding to an already struggling national development were the harsh realities of unstable politics that led to the demobilization of the Zimbabwe liberation fighters getting thousands of unbudgeted bonuses as well as our unplanned participation in a war that I never understood of the Democratic Republic of Congo in 1997. I contend these took an insurmountable toll on our economy as our president at times made overnight excutive decisions by himself.
Working with students from the mid 1990s became a struggle as schools were losing girls not only because of the economic hardships of ESAP but also to the HIV/AIDS epidemic which was primarily affecting their parents and guardinas. Girls were dropping out of school to care for their ailing parents and orphaned younger siblings or members of their extended families. By the late 1990s girls themselves were beginning to fall victims to the HIV/AIDS epidemic. From that time as an educational leader in Zimbabwe I was affected terribly. To cope I started started looking for a paradigm that could help me inject some desired change in behaviors, attitudes, and lives of students that I came into contact with on a daily basis as well as the young inexperienced teachers straight from training colleges.
I so much wanted to make sure that youths changed their sexual behaviors, social interactions, their values, and their attitudes on how they related as males and females. Undeniably HIV/AIDS is a widely stigmatized disease. It was not easy for me to simply accept and never discuss these important issues with neither students nor teachers. On a personal level I was very conflicted. I started questioning a lot of things I had merely taken for granted. I felt I needed a paradigm to guide my beliefs and philosophy in teaching. Personally, a paradigm involves how we see things; for instance, when something ends, something else begins, so endings are beginnings and beginnings are endings. This to me translated into the need to start involving youths as active members of their educational processes and that meant the end of viewing students as just passive consumers of education, but also making the milestone of students becoming active consumers of education. My view was based on the understanding that they were the ones growing up in a world affected and forever changed by HIV; as such they needed to be actively involved.
First and foremost I knew educational administrators needed to identify young children’s needs regarding HIV/AIDS prevention and how to translate needs into significant actions. As I considered and still consider myself to be an educational advocate for young people I perceive all successful advocates as being able to identify a paradigm in the context of a statement or discussion and use it to reinforce or change an opinion/s. As a result my idea to actively involve students in HIV/AIDS prevention was born that early on in the mid 1990s.
For me recognizing the difference between need and action is the most common paradigm to use to initiate advocacy for an idea, or procedure. I strongly feel that the discrepancy between (policy) what should be and what is practiced (action) to arrive at an intended outcome is fundamental to artful and successful advocacy. In pursuit of realizing this goal I realized my personal shortfalls as an educational administrator hence my journey all the way to America to work with the educators who unbeknown to them had taught me at a distance. Educators such as Sergiovanni, Taylor, Fulani, Cohen and many others were instrumental in my aspiring to study abroad. I knew, therefore, I had to change myself before I could expect to be able to influence others to change. Thus, upon this paradigm I based my quest to advance academically, and to ultimately engage in educational research, in order to argue academically and knowledgeably for my beliefs in HIV/AIDS prevention, for all people and the under privileged learners I taught.
There are some desired behaviors expected of the youth in order to control the spread of HIV/AIDS, and if educational leaders do not act on these desired outcomes then the needs of the youth would always remain as needs until actions are implemented. Bearing in mind my paradigm that if HIV/AIDS prevention education was to become effective something else has to end in order for something new to begin. People’s ‘normal’ attitudes, cultures, values, skills and knowledge, therefore, have to be flexible. I strongly believed for people to deal with the HIV/AIDS menace in a way that addresses the needs of modern day youths especially those born in the era defined and forever changed by HIV/AIDS people have to respond accordingly. Many people’s lives are being put into risk because leaders continue to hold on to morals, values, and traditional attitudes that are rigid when it comes to discussions on sex and sexuality. As educational administrators seem not recognize the incredible threats and pressures that today’s youth are growing under, that they are exposed to through the media, the movies, social media, technology, peer pressures, and cultural superimpositions. These are real concerns in today’s youths that people of my generation never dealt with while growing up.
Aadmittedly today’s administrators are faced with the dilemma of whether to do what is morally right or what is humanely acceptable. Administrators are expected to offer high quality learning to a larger, more diverse and dispersed student population than ever before, yet at the same time continue to hold on to values, and morals of people who were never faced with the threats that today’s youth are confronted with. Arming and teaching youths how to deal with their sex and sexuality does not encourage them to indulge in fact it should be perceived as empowering and educating them according to their present day needs. They need skills to be able to make decisions without fear, stigma, discrimination, moral obligations but with the ability to do what is right for them. Only when educational administrators as leaders are able to translate needs into actions can leaders meet the needs of today’s youths proactively.
Granted that today's youths will be tomorrow’s leaders and are occupying leadership positions left vacant by their parents and guardians in their lives why should educational, political, and religious leaderships continue to hold on to policies and values that subject today’s youths to moral obligations without acknowledging that these youths need life skills and knowledge to survive the harsh environments that surround them today. They need to be able to make decisions as whether to use or not to use protection, to make decisions of being faithful or not, and as well as to say ‘no’, and have the word ‘no’ respected for what it implies, and respect each other in their relationships. They need to have choices and not just follow directions like sheep to the slaughter.
Political, educational, and religious administrators need to realize that without followers they cannot be
leaders, therefore, incorporating the ideas of followers into HIV/AIDS prevention strategies should be viewed
as complementary to both leaders and followers. Youths have a personal responsibility to respond to the
challenges of HIV/AIDS, in their personal lives and by setting examples to their peers. They are the ones
most vulnerable because they are in the defenseless and romantic stages where they look at life through rose
tinted glasses, youths do not know the risks of HIV/AIDS, but can be very effective agents of change as they
have very minimal inhibitions.
Unless educational administrators, educators, and students regard themselves as affected by the HIV/AIDS pandemic, and acknowledge that there is a possibility that they themselves or a loved one might become infected at any time, research might bring as many recommendations that might not become actions. Students must be valued as a resource in and of themselves, and as crucial allies in the common struggle to overcome and finally eradicate HIV/AIDS. There is a strong need to work together with them to overcome the threats posed by the HIV/AIDS pandemic on their and more approaching generations.
Hopefully this little passionate passage enlightens you on why I personally feel I should play an active role in HIV/AIDS administration and carry the responsibility of preserving today’s youth our tomorrow’s leaders.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Ambivalent feelings of HAPPINESS and SADNESS
Such ambivalent feelings of happiness and sadness at the same time. On one hand I feel elated, happy, light, free, and expectant as I have just submitted my first manuscript of my first book today for review with a publishing company. On the other hand I feel sad, loss, deep sorrow, concerned, tense and unsure of what is about to happen. I feel as though I have lost my long time friend. I have been working on this manuscript for more than four years now. I never thought a day would come when I would actually submitthe manuscript to total strangers and trust them to review and publish the story of my life.
Some may be wondering why I decided to write the story of my life down. Well, because it has all the ingredients that you can expect from someone who was born of a polygamous father, an illiterate mother, in a colonized country, and lived with an abusive husband for more than two decades. My autobiograph is the only chronicle that can make you understand that some of us are born under abject poverty, but we refuse to succumb to the negative aspects of our lives but call on all the reserves of resilience we have for survival.
I am not trying to convince you to read my book but I know when you get hold of it when eventually it is publish it you will enjoy the emotional rollercoaster with me. I lived for 27 years with my ex-husband who abused me physically, emotionally, and economically. I was an educated woman but abuse knows no educational levels, no racial lines, no class, no religious background, has no geographical limitations, nor does it know any sexual orientations. my story is your story, my abuse is your abuse, my liberation is your liberation.
Watch out this blog and read about how this African woman liberated herself from an abusive union. It have taken long but I am happy I did not have to die to make the abuse stop!
Some may be wondering why I decided to write the story of my life down. Well, because it has all the ingredients that you can expect from someone who was born of a polygamous father, an illiterate mother, in a colonized country, and lived with an abusive husband for more than two decades. My autobiograph is the only chronicle that can make you understand that some of us are born under abject poverty, but we refuse to succumb to the negative aspects of our lives but call on all the reserves of resilience we have for survival.
I am not trying to convince you to read my book but I know when you get hold of it when eventually it is publish it you will enjoy the emotional rollercoaster with me. I lived for 27 years with my ex-husband who abused me physically, emotionally, and economically. I was an educated woman but abuse knows no educational levels, no racial lines, no class, no religious background, has no geographical limitations, nor does it know any sexual orientations. my story is your story, my abuse is your abuse, my liberation is your liberation.
Watch out this blog and read about how this African woman liberated herself from an abusive union. It have taken long but I am happy I did not have to die to make the abuse stop!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lifestyle Changes
Two months ago on May 20th I visited with my primary care physician just for routine check up. I knew I had gained weight up to 198 pounds in the last 10 months but I was in total denial. Most of my pants and skirts could hardly fit me and I kept explaining things away to myself and denying the obvious. It started with my tights not going past my knees, and I attributed that shrinking due to the excessive heat of the drier on the nylons. Next were my skirts and pants which were no longer zipping up and told I myself it was the cheap material. When next I went for a walk and I was out of breath after ten minutes and my thighs were itching I was convinced it was because it was still too cold to be outside walking. I could neither admit to myself that I was neglecting my health nor see what was glaring blankly at me; my weight had skyrocketed to levels I had never experienced before!
Eventually, on May 20 2011, I had to confront the truth. In my doctors office I tipped the scale at 198 pounds again. I had been weighing pretty much the same on my bathroom scale. Rather than admit that I was becoming obese I dismissed it and told myself the scale was broken somewhere. However, in my doctor’s office I knew I had to finally look at my self in the mirror and admit the truth of my overweight issue. On May 24, my provider called with my test results. I routinely have blood work for my cholestrol, and blood sugar levels. She expressed concern about my cholestrol levels. I tought I heard wrong. How had I gone from a normal range to 246 all in less than a year? I was disgusted at myself. I heard the concern in her voice, but had not expected the drastic measures she would impose. My way of nourishing my body had changed for the worse within a year as such, she felt drastic measures were necessary. I could not believe I had done that to myself through what I put into my own mouth. I tried to convince my primary care provider that I did not need any prescribed medications, and stressed I would change my diet. She would not hear me out; instead she gave me a prescription to lower my bad cholestrol! I was flabbergasted with my self. I did not need all these pills to help me control what I thought I could control through sheer willpower.
In fact I had not been abusing food by myself alone. I love beef jerky and each time any of my five kids came to visit me they would bring me lots of beef jerkys. They were aiding me in feeding my bad eating habits. Even my oldest daughter, who lives in the United Kingdom, occasionally mailed me packages of beef jerkys. Instead of me eating them sensibly as snacks should be enjoyed, I would binge on the beef jerks as though I was satisfying an all time high addiction. Whenever, I had some beef jerks in my home, I would not take a break from chewing until all was safely stored away in my belly. I fed my bad habit aided by my loving children unknowingly! It was no surprise that my cholestrol level was raised to such high numbers and out of control.
With my cholestrol level looming at 246, my provider recommended I started on medication immediately. I had not made wise choices where food consumption was concerned. My intake of all animal flesh had gone up considerably in the last 10 months. I enjoyed my bacon, my pork and beef ribs, I loved my oxtail, and my t-bone steak and to add icing on the cake I had suddenly become a couch potato. The results of my idleness and my eating habits were immediately reflected in my cholestrol levels and increased body weight. To make matters worse in my family there is a history of diabetes and high blood pressure. I knew the risks I was taking with the added weight and I could not afford adding high cholestrol into the mix. I knew one thing could lead to another consequently; it was high time I changed my habits.
I had spent Memorial Day weekend with my family in West Virginia, guiltily binging on the beef jerky which by now my daughter Trish had a dehydrator to make it within four hours. I put on a happy face but inwardly I was dying. I looked forward to going home and implement some changes. As soon as I got home in Toledo Ohio it was time for a drastic change in my diet. I threw away my big jar of I cannot believe its not butter, I got rid of all the pork ribs in my refregirator, I got rid of the oxtail that I love so much, I got rid of all the Italian sausages I liked for breakfast and trashed the bacon.
I started having my cereal with blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries, with cold milk for breakfast. Occassionally, I had the turkey bacon, eggs, and baked beans with my morning tea or coffee and toasted whole wheat brown bread. Around ten in the mornings I had a glass of ice cold water and for lunch I mostly had fruits like bananas, apples, oranges, pineapples, mangoes, and grapes. I also enjoyed vegetables like red, green, yellow, and orange peppers, thrown into the mix. I started enjoying asparagus broccolli, cauliflower, spinach, lettuce, cabbage, peas, colored greens, string beans, and yes grapes with my salad too.
Most evenings I started taking sweet potatoes, butternut squash, with salmon or tilapia for dinner. Furthermore I reduced the portions greatly. I was being pragmatic and extra careful with what I put into my own mouth. I was taking responsibility for my own health and not blaming it on the food because food is meant to nourish us and not harm us. On top of eating right I started walking regularly everyday. I spent an hour walking and sometimes more an hour and half. I walked at least 4-5 miles. I also changed one habit which I know is detrimental to anyone’s health and probably one of my worst downfalls, that is my sleeping habits. I used to stay up until two or three in the morning watching television but I changed all that. I started going to bed after eleven everynight and would be up by seven or eight. I stopped taking midnight snacks but drank coldwater. In the mornings I walked before breakfast.
I have never been one to be reckless with my health despite what other people might think. In fact I have never been one to let someone or something else take control of my life. I have always known where I am and where I am going with my life. I have always had clear logical plans of my life and the managing of my cholestrol was no less important. As the cholestrol levels meant another pill that might be more harmful to my liver I was resolute in my decision. The nursing practitioner prescribed me some Zocor. Two days before starting it, on the news there were concerns about high dosages of Zocor and muscle damage. I almost did not take it, but I realized my primary care provider had prescribed me only an eighth of the harmful dosage so I took it. This time I was determined on reversing the cholestrol levels as soon as possible. I took it religiously for the next eight weeks while eating well and exercising daily.
Today is August 6, and about three hours ago my provider just called me with the best news in weeks. The first time she was called with the bad news I happened to be in Walmart those eight weeks ago and today again I happened to be in the same Walmart when she called with the good news. My cholestrol has dropped from 246 to 151 in the last eight weeks. Hooray to my self. I managed to resist most of the animal flesh thereby accumulation of animal fats in my body, which cause cholestrol in the human body. If I could do it so I honestly believe everyone else can do the same. When it threatens your health it threatens your livelihood. I have promised myself I will live to see my children have their own children. I am not going to deprive them of their mother whilst I am still able to do anything and everything I can to maintain my health. I am also not going to deprive myself of getting to know my grandbabies prematurely because of what could have been avoided. I want to live long enough to see all my five children have their own children. I am not going to take that for granted, but I am going to work towards achieving that goal.
To all who think it is the hand you have been dealt, at times it is the hand we deal ourselves! Let’s deal the hand well and make sure we live well and live happily!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Understanding the Computer
The time is 1.05 am. I am sitting in my son's apartment. My son lives in State College PA and I am in Toledo Ohio. The drive is almost 6 hours long. I am so tired and all I want to do is go to bed but I cant. I have to wait for Farai to come back so I can persuade him to do an antivirus clean up on my PC! I was last here in May and I wanted him to do the same unfortunately I forgot the PC cables so without power a PC does not work. All my efforts of loading the PC into my car were in vain and I had to take it back with all its viruses.
Today or should say yesterday before leaving I made sure I had all the cables and even strapped the CPU onto the back seat and fastened the seat belt securing it like a baby. I was excited because Farai would clean up all the viruses! This time around sure enough I forgot nothing, and no sooner was it plugged in and the damn thing would not turn on. Despite bringing all the cables, and making sure the CPU was nicely strapped to my back seat now once again the PC would not even turn on.
Farai now tells me it was the power supply. Who understands technology. Obviously others but not me.
If its not the cables, its the power shortage, or its simply having an attitude with me, what do I know?Why is it that I find such simple things the most difficult to do. Many times my son has told me I am technologically challenged...who would not feel challenged when a simple machine like a PC will not do as it is supposed to do unless it is challenging my intelligence or my patience?
Farai has shown me more than a hundred times how to do a virus clean up but somehow it is above my understanding. Is it because it is difficult or I am just simply not interested, or is it generational thing? Whatever the reason all I know is the computer seems to be taking over the world. The world that was simple and trusting and obviously not challenging!
The computer has lessened the time of long hand writing, it has made communication easier through emails, instant messagings, video calls, no wonder post offices are losing businesses. The four operations are much easier and who needs to learn to add and subtract when the culculator is readily available on my PC!. Dating, cheating, studying, communication, numerating, literacy, language, what is it that you can think of and is not on the PC.
Life has definitely been easier since the turn of the century due to the computer era. Undenieably it has also complicated our lives because it seems to e taking over everything and people like me seem not to cope. Life has become complicated because we seem not to understand and anticipate all the problems that arise with the advent of the computer and technological era. People are creating the latest in technology, and everyday it seems to challenge and complicate our lives. I appreciate the way it has made communication with my family and friends all over the world accissible but I am confused why it continues to challenge us!
Today or should say yesterday before leaving I made sure I had all the cables and even strapped the CPU onto the back seat and fastened the seat belt securing it like a baby. I was excited because Farai would clean up all the viruses! This time around sure enough I forgot nothing, and no sooner was it plugged in and the damn thing would not turn on. Despite bringing all the cables, and making sure the CPU was nicely strapped to my back seat now once again the PC would not even turn on.
Farai now tells me it was the power supply. Who understands technology. Obviously others but not me.
If its not the cables, its the power shortage, or its simply having an attitude with me, what do I know?Why is it that I find such simple things the most difficult to do. Many times my son has told me I am technologically challenged...who would not feel challenged when a simple machine like a PC will not do as it is supposed to do unless it is challenging my intelligence or my patience?
Farai has shown me more than a hundred times how to do a virus clean up but somehow it is above my understanding. Is it because it is difficult or I am just simply not interested, or is it generational thing? Whatever the reason all I know is the computer seems to be taking over the world. The world that was simple and trusting and obviously not challenging!
The computer has lessened the time of long hand writing, it has made communication easier through emails, instant messagings, video calls, no wonder post offices are losing businesses. The four operations are much easier and who needs to learn to add and subtract when the culculator is readily available on my PC!. Dating, cheating, studying, communication, numerating, literacy, language, what is it that you can think of and is not on the PC.
Life has definitely been easier since the turn of the century due to the computer era. Undenieably it has also complicated our lives because it seems to e taking over everything and people like me seem not to cope. Life has become complicated because we seem not to understand and anticipate all the problems that arise with the advent of the computer and technological era. People are creating the latest in technology, and everyday it seems to challenge and complicate our lives. I appreciate the way it has made communication with my family and friends all over the world accissible but I am confused why it continues to challenge us!
Monday, August 1, 2011
MY GRAY HAIR CELEBRATION FOR LIFE
I LOOK AT MY IMAGE EVERY MORNING
I NEVER AM MORE PLEASED WITH WHAT I SEE ON HEAD
A BEAUTIFUL SPRINKLING OF MY SHINING GRAY HAIR
AND EVERY MORNING THEY ARE NOT SPRINKLINGS ANY MORE
BECAUSE MORE AND MORE OF MY HAIR IS BECOMING GRAY
THE MORE GRAY THE MORE REASON TO CELEBRATE MY LIFE
INSTEAD OF MAKING ME SAD THAT I AM AGING
IT BRINGS A SPARKLE OF JOY INTO MY EYE
FOR I SEE THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD LIVE TO SEE
THE MATURITY OF MY YEARS REFLECTED ON MY HEAD
THE CELEBRATION OF YEARS THAT WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE
BUT SOMEHOW THROUGH STRENGTH HAVE COME TO BE
I WENT TO A BEAUTY SHOP FOUR YEARS AGO
ASKED FOR SOME DYE TO ACCENTUATE THE GRAYS OF MY HAIR
THE BEAUTY SHOP OWNER LAUGHED AT ME INSTEAD
AS THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE WANTED TO APPEAR OLDER
FOR EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO APPEAR YOUNGER
BUT I HAVE EVERY REASON TO CELEBRATE MY GRAY HAIR AND MY AGE
I LOOK AT MY GRAY HAIR AND I SMILE
IN MY GRAY I SEE MORE YEARS I HAVE BEEN GIVEN IN THIS LIFE
SEVEN YEARS AGO I ALMOST GAVE UP ON LIFE
NOW I HANG ON TO EACH PASSING DAY WITH PASSION
I HANG ON WITH EVERY REASON TO CELEBRATE MY GRAY HAIR
FOR EACH DAY I SEE A NEW GRAY THE MORE I APPRECIATE A LIFE THAT WAS ALMOST OVER BUT HAS NOW COME TO BE
THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I AM WISER NOR CLEVERER THAN THE REST
THIS IS BECAUSE I HAD A CARING COMMUNITY
MANY PEOPE RALLIED AROUND ME, MANY I HAD NEVER KNOWN
THEY MADE MY LIFE MORE SIMPLE AND EASIER TO BEAR
THEY MADE SURE I HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO
AVAILABLE WHEN I COULD NEVER REVEAL TO CLOSEST ONES
THAT I HAD A REAL LIFE THREATENING ILLNESS
NOW I LOOK BACK THOSE SEVEN YEARS
BECAUSE THEN I HAD NO GRAY HAIRS
NOW MY WHOLE HEAD IS ALMOST GRAY
IF I CANNOT SAY THANK YOU
TO YOU ALL WHO GAVE ME STRENGTH
TO YOU ALL WHO WALKED BY ME
THEN MY LIFE HAS BEEN FOR NOTHING!
I SEE ALL YOUR CARING FACES EACH DAY
AS I SEE MY GRAY HAIRS IN THE MIRROR EACH DAY
AND I THANK YOU ALL SILENTLY EACH DAY
FOR MY LIFE THAT HAS COME TO BE
TO US ALL LETS CELEBRATE EACH DAY
AS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THAT DAY IS YOUR LAST DAY
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